Top Stoner Horror Stories

#Spookyszn is upon us and you know what that means: News outlets are warning you about children getting marijuana-infused Halloween candy. Hey real quick, the news, edibles ain’t cheap. Nobody’s giving out their $30 chocolate bars to wonder what’s going to happen to some kids in 45 to 60 minutes. But this time of year also means scaryyyy storiessss. There are many nightmare scenarios one may find themselves in during a sesh, here are a few of them:

It’s 4:20PM. You and your friends gather in your sacred space. Everyone chips into the pot-luck. It’s all private reserve. Papers are ready, crutches are rolled, bowls are cleaned, bongs are filled and lighters are found. You, on grinding duty, have finished preparing the flower for combustion. All eyes are on you for the reveal. You unscrew the middle chamber of the 3-compartment grinder and lift the top half. Gasps of awe fill the space. Everyone is stoked. Like an Olympiad relay baton pass, you hand the grinder to the person with the hemp blunt wrap at the ready. And like a middle school track and field meet, the baton handoff fumbles. You and your friends watch the grinder succumb to gravity, almost as if in slow motion, and meet the earth in crashing fashion. You thought they had it. To make matters worse, the kief catcher popped open too.

You’re on a hike, rated ‘hard’ and 4.5/5 stars on AllTrails. You’ve hiked this joint a few times before, and have noted particularly scenic vibe spots along the trail. It’s the perfect weather for this time of October, whatever that means for you. The golden hour has begun to peak just as you reach the point on the path that you had in mind. It’s a prime spot to stop, sit, rest, enjoy the breeze and lowering sun and observe the world. You brought a joint rolled with Sunset Sherbert in a RAW hemp paper. Perched cozy in your nook, away from the noise of humanity, chatter of the internet and hum of electricity, you hold the joint with your lips as you take in the view. The sun is halved by the horizon as you reach into your bag. It’s not in that pocket… maybe this one? This one? This one? You definitely brought one, you tell yourself. You could have sworn you brought one. As your lighter lay cold on the car floor, you mentally retrace your steps. You are taken away from the present moment wondering how you could have altered your past to ensure your future. The sun has now set. It’s getting dark. It’s getting cold.  

You and a close cousin meet up at Dave & Buster’s. You’re back in town after traveling and brought some canna-confection souvenirs to split. In your hatchback sitting under a parking lot lamp’s incandescent glow, you and your cousin half the gummy while catching up on what’s going down. Before heading into D & B’s you roll a blunt. Two blunts. There’s only a corner of the edible left, so you finish that too. For the first hour, everything is super rad. You’re a Fruit Ninja black belt, the head of the Skee-Ball corners-only club and a three-point shoot-out champion. You're just stepping out of placing first in Cruis'n Exotica when everything starts feeling different. Lights are far brighter, colors are oversaturated, all sounds begin to ping. The floating is turning into altitude sickness. You put down the drink that you bought at an arcade bar for some reason on a table next to a basket of chicken wing bones. You've heard of green fever before but didn't anticipate experiencing it tonight. Just like that, you're the full-grown adult tripped out at Dave & Buster's on a Friday night. As you're leaving, you pass hip teens getting picked up by their parents, staring bent-necked down at their phones while climbing into the family's minivan. You just barely make it to the car when you succumb to your nausea. Your guttural sounds reverberate throughout the parking lot, followed by the ambient buzzing of the overhead lamp. You get into the passenger seat and your partner is ready to drive home. But, there's a problem. They've never driven a stick shift. 

That last one may or may not have been based on a true story. Also, for real though, be aware and be safe when consuming edibles. It's a distinct vibe and consciousness is key.

Drop any scary stoner stories you have in the comments below!

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